Battling the Self Worth Monster
For quite a while, I have battle with self worth and we have talked about it here and there on the podcast in small pieces, but I wanted to take this weeks blog post to dive a little deeper.
For as far back as I can remember, I can only count a few times where I felt that my opinion or work mattered. I would go to school, get average grades. Would join a sports team/club, and while excelled in a couple area's, I was average in most others. I would then enter the work force and that is where something changed within me. I started in retail and worked several other job
s until where I am today. My self worth and my identity I put in my performance and my job. It was easy to do, I would receive praise for job(s) well done and would relish in those moments.
So you are asking, what is wrong with getting praise for a job well done? Well nothing inherently with this, in fact it is welcomed. However, the opposite, not so much. I am not perfect and don't aspire to be, but somehow I want to be in my job and have made some mistakes. The same mistakes, once or twice over. I not scolded but rather talked to about it and I am always coachable with this feedback, Though, I tend to dwell on these mistakes for far much longer than what is healthy. And when dwelling on these, I focus so much on it, that I end up making the same mistake and the cycle begins all over again. I had created a monster of negative and destructive thoughts.
I always make the statement "will I have a job next week?". While I say it jokingly, there is that inner fear of "what if that is true, what if I am on the chopping block". Then the questions slide in, "what do I have without a job", "what am I, without work" and they go on and on.
It is times like these (while it is not my ultimate go to, but should be) that we are to go to God in prayer and discover why we feel that way. Rebecca uses a tool called the plumb line when she is discipling other women. It outlines like this.
-What is the situation/thought?
-What am I telling myself about myself?
-What is the lie?
-What does that lie say about God?
-What is the truth?
-What does that truth say about God?
It is a way of deconstructing and then reconstructing which is a great place to start if you are dealing with a thought like mine or any lies from the enemy. This tool has helped me find peace and security in the Lord. For we must remember these words from the book of Matthew that really brings it into perspective and tells us exactly what our identity is.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16
We are God's light unto the world and our His children, that is it, that is our identity. To put it into a little more uplifting terms, God is saying; My child, in me you find rest and in me you were made in my image. So use your light to shine until the word and with that the monster of self worth is vanquished as it cannot withstand God's almighty power.